Montauk point state park

#mtk #LIRR #montauk #longisland #lux #train #weekend #happybirthday #sun #longisland (Taken with instagram)

#montauk #sunrise #mtk #longisland #happiness #beach #weekend #clouds #happybirthday @clarkcarr #lux (Taken with Instagram at Atlantic Terrace)

#montauk #sunrise #mtk #longisland #happiness #beach #weekend #clouds #happybirthday @clarkcarr #andmanymore #lux (Taken with Instagram at Atlantic Terrace)

#montauk #longisland #mtk #ny #lighthouse (Taken with instagram)

#happiness #weekend #montauk #ny #longisland #lirr #vacation (Taken with instagram)

I don’t feel like anything is impossible anymore, and this is a remarkable feeling. Please let me hold onto this, just this one feeling.

Drugs. and other ramblings.

I just watched Mad Men, and texted my friend asking her to do LSD with me. Television is far too influential. 

I have just found out I have to go pick up my inheritance. It is sad, but all I have left of my grandmother is a few of her things, and some money.

Obviously, I am thinking about what I could do with this money. 

Materialism comes to mind first. I can finally get a guitar, that DSLR camera I have been drooling over, a new bed. Then my brain migrates to paying for school. Should I take an extended vacation overseas? Then I’m dreaming of moving across the country. 

Lastly, I start thinking about Africa. It always goes back to this. For about half of my life, all I have ever wanted to do was volunteer in Africa. It’s because of this damn world hunger commercial I saw on television when I was young.

Television effects people. Too much. People who can’t read, often have access to television or no access to anything at all. People tell stories for entertainment and educational purposes in developing countries. Television is based off of stories.

My grandfather was dubbed “TV John” because he repaired televisions for pretty much all of freehold boro and monmouth county. There was a television in every room when my father was growing up, and Grandpa would tell his children to watch the televisions to make sure everything was working okay. This is in the 60’s, when television just came out. My father probably thought he was like the coolest dude.

I will probably never do acid. I will probably move across the country. I will definitely volunteer in Africa. But for now, I will resume my state of self analyzation and continue to be pretty much pissed off at everything, until I figure out a way not to be pissed at everything anymore.

Introspective

Since I was a young girl, I have had the most intense desire to make a difference in this world. I remember seeing a commercial about hunger. Specifically, how one individual donation of $10 could buy enough rice to feed many mouths in Africa.I knew right then and there that I hated a lot about this world.

I went on and journeyed into my youth and early adulthood, almost incapable of enjoyment. I disliked people, I found most things wasteful of time and resource. I read too many Nietzsche books, smoked too much weed, and hated myself world. I wore all black and drank entire bottles of wine at parties. I don’t know how I ever had any friends. Most of them will tell you i was like pulling teeth to get me to go out anywhere.

I always had serious boyfriends. I really can’t deal with love. I am physically incapable.

I met a wonderful woman named Debbie, she is now 62 years old. We often went shopping together. I was not the most miserable I have been in my life, but by any means I was still an extremely up tight 21 year old girl, and still hung up on so many things. I would worry about my family too much. One day we were out to lunch and she told me to stop worrying. Get out of there, and just get on with your life.

The most important lessons she taught me were to enjoy myself. She taught me how to go to a restaurant simply because I liked the atmosphere. She taught me to take my time. She taught me that I don’t have to hate everything.

I now find beauty in so many things. But I still have this fiery passion to fix this world, or at least help the needy.

I’ve been en route since I graduated high school to accomplish this but I haven’t yet. All I hear from The select few are “you’re still young” and “you’re quite accomplished for what you come from.” For those of you who don’t know me very well, I come from a broken home. That’s all I am going to say about that.

For now, I’ve decided that I have to be okay with never arriving at the destination that I think I want to get. I have to be okay with never figuring things out. I have to be okay with never finding love. I have to be okay with never having a family or close friends. I have to be okay with how ugly this world is and just live in it. I have to be okay with mediocrity.

Maybe once I feel okay, I will feel better.

A